when you're broken on the ground
by HannahbananaJane
Summary: My re-telling of 13 Reasons Why, if Hannah had survived but the tapes had still been released.
1. Chapter 1

**_Thirteen Reasons Why absolutely devastated me. When I read that Jay Asher originally wrote that Hannah survived the suicide, I was conflicted. He wrote, "out of seriousness for the issue, we realized we can't go there. No matter that there were missed opportunities for her. Those opportunities aren't there if you do this. Once I realized the message of the story would be stronger and that it would definitely be more of a cautionary tale." And I agree completely. The story resonated so strongly with me, and it might not have had such an impact if she lived. With that being said, I am an absolute romantic and crave for happily ever afters for everyone. So this is my re-telling of Thirteen Reasons Why, if Hannah had survived but the tapes had still been released._**

 ** _This is everyone who has ever felt like Hannah Baker._**

"Hannah Baker tried to kill herself."

He first heard it during fifth period. There had been hushed whispers and weird stares all morning, but he chalked it up to the rumor mill churning out a new gossip. Then people were crying, and hugging each other, and he wondered, but he was almost afraid to ask. It reminded him of Jeff, and that hurt so he ignored the strangeness and continued his day. But everywhere he looked he saw tears and the teachers seemed to be conflicted on how to handle the heaviness in the air. Some spoke privately with the overtly emotional students. Others tried to say something profound and meaningful but became too choked to speak.

It wasn't until he realized hadn't seen Hannah all morning and noticed how everyone kept staring at her locker that he felt ice churn in his veins. Dread followed him until lunch when he waited for her to come through the cafeteria doors, holding a blue tray and poking light fun at everyone's reaction. "It's probably a high-school tragedy," he imagined her saying, speculating that maybe Justin Foley's car broke down or Marcus Cole wasn't voted class president after all. But she didn't. Hannah didn't join him for lunch and she didn't tease him about the pudding cup in the sack lunch his mom packed.

Clay tried to tell himself that maybe Hannah had a group project she didn't tell him about or she had a headache so she was laying down in the nurse's office or discussing her college goals with Mr. Porter. She'd laugh when he told her how freaked he was and tell him his paranoia was getting to him. When fifth period rolled around and she still wasn't there he knew his suspicions were right: something was seriously wrong, and it had to do with Hannah.

He was absolutely terrified, and couldn't seem to find the words to ask somebody, anybody. People who had seen them around school together kept touching him, telling him that they were thinking about him and praying for him. He just didn't realize until now that it was because of Hannah.

"Clay."

His head shot towards the front of the class, meeting the red eyes of Mrs. Bradley. "I'm sorry, what?"

She stepped towards him and put her hand on his arm when she was close enough. "Clay, are you alright?"

"What's wrong with him?" somebody near the back whispered.

"Didn't you hear? Hannah Baker tried to kill herself."

His mouth had tried to answer Mrs. Bradley that, yes, he was fine, but then he overheard the conversation and he couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't find his voice. Hannah wouldn't do that, right? There had to be some kind of mistake. There was definitely a mistake.

He heard Mrs. Bradley call to him again but his thoughts wouldn't leave the dangerous idea of Hannah Baker wanting to die. Why are they asking if he was okay? Why didn't they ask her? Why didn't he?

It didn't make sense.

He only snapped out of it when he felt somebody pull him out of the desk and lead him towards the door. "I've got him," he heard someone say, and even trapped in his headspace he noticed not even the jocks said anything about his behavior. The classroom was stunned silent. "Let's go get you some water, Clay."

Tony took him to the counselor's office, fetching him a paper cup and Mr. Porter for emotional support.

"I know this is difficult, Clay," Mr. Porter said, "you must have been close to her."

"I-I wasn't," he said, swallowing the lie. Everyone was looking at him with pity-filled eyes and he couldn't deal with this right now when he was trying to figure out why she would ever do something like that. "I barely knew her." Clay glanced at Tony, pleading with him not to disagree. It kind of felt like he was betraying Hannah, like he was turning his back away from her when she needed help. Maybe he already did. "We worked together at the Crestmont for a while, but we only had a couple of conversations while we cleaned toilets. That's it. I just," he shrugged, "I didn't know that she—I didn't know."

Mr. Porter studied him. "Are you sure, Clay? I thought I saw you two together a few times."

"No. We never hung out or anything. We just worked together. That's it."

"Okay, Clay." He rose on his feet. "Why don't you stay in here and drink that water," he said, gesturing towards the cup. Clay followed his eye line, forgetting that Tony had handed it to him. "You and Tony can go back to class once you're finished."

It wasn't until after Mr. Porter left that Clay met Tony's gaze. "Clay, you and I both know you weren't just work buddies with Hannah Baker."

"How could she do that, Tony? Try to—" he cut himself off again, unable to say the words.

"Only Hannah knows her reasons," he said in a vague tone. If Clay wasn't so consumed by his shock, he might have caught onto the fact that Tony seemed to know more than he was letting on.

"Do you know," Clay hesitated, unsure if he wanted the answer to this. "Is she okay?"

"She's in a coma, Clay."

"Oh." What else could he say? Nothing seemed like enough, or right. Tony seemed to get it though, because he merely nodded and waited beside Clay until he finished the water and wasn't so lightheaded.

That awful, devastated feeling in his stomach never left.

 _The title comes from the song You Will Be Found from the Broadway show Dear Evan Hansen. If you are struggling with some of the issues 13 Reasons Why deals with I recommend the show but in particular this song._


	2. Chapter 2

Clay was never more grateful for Tony than he was today.

He rushed out of his last class as soon as the bell rang, out the hallway and down the stairs, not wanting anyone to stop and try to talk to him. Not today. It wasn't until he could see his bike did he stop moving. He just stared at the object like it held all the answers as he remembered. His first interaction with Hannah was when she developed the nickname she would continue to use throughout their friendship—her use of 'Helmet' always felt special, and warm. He remembered her smile, and her laugh, and her excitement when she reminded him of his promise for her to ride his bike. How could a girl like that want to hurt herself?

Then he remembered what happened between them at Jessica's party, and Jeff's accident, and everything wrapped in the enigma that was Hannah. And for the first time he wondered how well he actually knew Hannah Baker.

"Hey, Clay." He felt someone behind him and turned, finding Tony ready to help him for the second time that day. "Want a ride?"

Clay glanced back at his bike and felt like he could faint at any moment, so he quickly agreed. Tony helped him load his bicycle into the trunk of his car and then they left everything about high school behind.

Clay didn't say anything on the ride, and Tony didn't try to force him to. He simply turned a mix tape on, low enough that he could talk if he wanted but loud enough he didn't feel pressure to speak, and left him alone to his thoughts.

He wondered if this was a dream—a hellish nightmare his mind conjured after a hearing a terrible story on the news about a girl who committed suicide. Maybe he would wake up in the middle of the night, sweat running down his back and his heart pounding in his chest, and find that none of this was real. He'd find Hannah at school the next morning and make sure she was okay, that she wasn't crying out for help and he just hadn't noticed. That she wasn't lost.

Somehow, even as he yearned for the chance that this wasn't real, he knew this was reality. Hannah Baker tried to kill herself, and he found himself thanking every religious icon he'd heard of that she failed.

Maybe it wasn't too late, if she could get the help she needed. Maybe she could move past this, that she can understand that this couldn't be the answer. Clay found himself getting more and more worked up. He wanted to shake her and demand why she thought this was okay. Why she thought he would be okay without her.

"We're here, Clay."

He looked at his house and wondered why it looked different than it did this morning. He wondered why he didn't want to go inside yet, why he couldn't bring himself to get out of the car. It felt like his entire life fell apart with that one sentence—Hannah Baker tried to kill herself—and he wasn't sure what to do about it.

"I'm so angry, Tony."

Clay kept his gaze outside, not wanting Tony to see the magnitude of how completely confused and hurt and affected he was. He could probably tell without looking into Clay's eyes, but he wanted to have some sort of control over what he chose to convey and confide.

"At Hannah?"

"At…" Clay's jaw tightened. "Yeah, at Hannah. I mean, fuck. Why would she do this?"

"You'd have to ask her."

"Well, I can't right now, can I? Damnit." He jerked in his seat, then sighed, disgusted by himself and his selfishness. "I'm such an asshole."

"You're not, Clay."

"She's in a coma and I'm demanding answers, like I have a right to it."

"Maybe you do."

He scoffed. "We were just friends, Tony. She doesn't owe me anything. If anything…" His mind revisited the night of Jessica's party, and how he maybe pushed too far too fast and ruined everything with the girl of his dreams.

"What?"

He shook his head. "Never mind."

"Clay."

"No, forget it. Look, I'll see you at school tomorrow, okay?" He tried to get out before Tony could try to talk to him about it.

"Clay, don't forget your bike," Tony called, jumping out of the car to open the trunk.

Clay turned around. "Right." He watched Tony pull his bike out and set it on the ground. When Tony tried to hand him his helmet, he just stared at it, his chest aching. "Tony?" he said quietly, almost timidly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you know how she did it?"

Tony stared straight ahead. "She slit her wrists in the bathtub."

Something tightened inside him. "That's not something people do it if they're looking for attention, is it?"

"No, Clay. It's not. I don't think—" Tony sighed this time. "I don't think she planned on surviving."

He nodded, his throat tight. "Okay." He finally took the helmet and his bike, somewhat prepared to leave or at least pretending to be.

"See you at school tomorrow, Clay?" The way he phrased it—it was like Tony needed reassurance from Clay and he wondered how Tony was handling all of this.

"I'll see you in Bradley's," he remembered saying in their last conversation. It was so easy now to see something was off about her, but he hadn't noticed then.

If he had…

"Yeah, sure," he answered, intending to uphold his end of the deal.

 **Next chapter is when things start to pick up a bit. Let me know what you think!**


End file.
